i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
