Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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