I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
