The maid of honor just puked.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
