If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
