I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
