Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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