Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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