I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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