I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
How external is "for external use only"?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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