she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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