hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
time to smoke my breakfast
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
