I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
