im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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