I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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