just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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