Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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