she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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