the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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