i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
