I heard we made out
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
