On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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