Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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