Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
