Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
