i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
