happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
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