What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
