his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just want nice things and good sex
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
