So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
