Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
