new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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