so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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