I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
