Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
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