if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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