In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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