I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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