My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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