Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.