right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store