If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
