Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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