fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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