you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
