I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
