I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
