Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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