i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
