I'm laying in your front yard are you home
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The uberlube is also flammable
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
