I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
