My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
