Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
