There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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