You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
