hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
