Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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